


One Man's Junk

by starofairdrie



Category: Teen Titans (Animated Series)
Genre: Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-23
Updated: 2012-08-23
Packaged: 2017-11-12 18:02:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/494124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starofairdrie/pseuds/starofairdrie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein we learn the answer to a question about Cyborg's anatomy, perhaps in too much detail.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Man's Junk

Time can do funny things when you're stressed. Sometimes it seems to speed up, so minutes fly by like seconds. Other times it slows down to a crawl.

And, sometimes, something so traumatic happens that time itself seems to freeze, as if the World needs to stop for a collective wince and go, "EeeeeeeeEEEEEEeeeewwwww..."

The combatants: Cyborg vs. Mammoth. The other Titans had already wrapped up the Hive powerhouse's teammates and were waiting for Cyborg to deliver the coup de grace against the big guy.

Cyborg was swinging his sonic blaster into position when Mammoth cut loose with a tremendous punch, smashing through Cyborg's armor - and embedding his fist four inches into Cyborg's groin.

Crunch. Pop. Tinkle.

Time stopped, or at least flinched.

Robin dropped his bird-a-rang and cupped himself. Beast Boy turned greener. Dogs howled.

"That's gonna leave a mark," Raven said.

"I think it already has," added Starfire.

Even Mammoth froze, momentarily horrified at his violation of the guy-code. "Uh, uh..." he stammered until Cyborg blasted him point-blank with the sonic cannon.

"Cyborg... are you okay?" Robin gulped.

"Yeah, fine... oh, man..." Cyborg muttered as he pried the unconscious Mammoth's fist out of his groin. The abused armor panel popped off with a "sproing" and clattered to the ground. Smoke billowed and electrical sparks flew. Cyborg extruded a fire extinguisher out of his arm and calmly sprayed it over the affected area. Other than that, he seemed none the worse for wear.

His two male teammates watched in horrified silence.

Beast Boy tugged Robin's cape. "Robin... he doesn't have a..."

"Later..." Robin whispered tightly.

"But there's no..."

"I said later!"

TtTtTtTtTt

LATER:

Back at the Tower, Robin and Beast Boy tentatively knocked on the door to Cyborg's lab. "Yo," Cyborg said absently, waving them in. He was perched at a workbench, bending over his groin as he poked at it with needlenose pliers and a screwdriver. "Wassup?"

Beast Boy elbowed Robin, who said, nervously, "Um..."

"What?"

"We were wondering if you... were OK..."

"Hmm? Oh, this? Had worse. Hand me that hammer, please?" Wordlessly, Robin handed it to him. Cyborg positioned the screwdriver between his legs and proceeded whack it hard with the hammer. After a few blows, a melted chip popped out. "Damn. Interface is fried. Gonna have to order this. Take about a week." He noticed that Beast Boy was wide-eyed and cringing behind Robin. "Okay. Say it."

"Well... we couldn't help notice that..." Robin began.

"You're missing a, um..." said Beast Boy.

Cyborg let out a heavy sigh and looked at the ceiling. "You want to know where my dick is, right?"

A pause. "Well, besides that being one sentence I'd never thought I'd actually hear, yes," said Robin.

Cyborg put the hammer down and pointed to a storage closet. "It's over there."

In the shadows of the closet, something stirred and knocked a jar over.

Robin said, "What?"

Cyborg patted the workbench top. "C'mere, boy! C'mon..." He whistled a few times.

Something jumped out of the closet and landed on the workbench. It ran across the tabletop with the tic-tac of tiny legs.

Robin and Beast Boy stared.

It looked, well, about the way you'd expect, save that it sported four delicate, folding legs and had some sort of USB-type interface cable in the back.

The cable wagged happily.

"Meep, meep."

Robin stared at it. "Okay, now I'm seriously uncomfortable..."

"Dude... it's walking..." Beast Boy asked slowly.

"Come on, you've seen my arm come off. Its not the only one of my parts are capable of independent movement. The standard stuff: basic AI, internal fuel cell, communication grid, complete audio and video package..."

(Beast Boy snickered and whispered to Robin: "Dude! He said package!" "Shut up," Robin hissed back.)

"Why should this part be any different?"

Robin looked queasy. "I see. Never thought of it that way." Pause. "Are those racing stripes?"

"Neural interface."

Beast Boy cut in. "But why is it here instead of..."

Cyborg pointed to his groin. "Here? Duh!" He leaned back and clasped his hands together. "Seriously, besides the obvious reasons, I thought it best to leave the little guy locked up while I'm out in the field. There've been... problems." He hesitated.

"What kind of 'problems'?" asked Robin slowly.

Cyborg sighed. "Yeah. You know how my parts are programmed to reassemble myself if we get separated?" Robin and Beast Boy nodded. Cyborg jerked his chin at the unit. "He would sort of... wander off."

Pause. "There were incidents..."

"Incidents..?"

"Yeah." Cyborg looked embarrassed. "Curves franchise. Midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show..."

"So what you're saying is that it has a mind of it's own. That's original," Raven said dryly. She and Starfire were standing in the doorway.

"Oh, come on! Privacy people!" Cyborg tried to grab the unit. It dodged him and ran towards Starfire.

"Meep, meep!"

Starfire clapped her hands together. "Oh, how cute! Can I pet him?"

"No, you can't pet him!" A butterfly net popped out of Cyborg's arm and caught the unit. It struggled.

"Meep!"

"Well, it certainly is... impressive." Raven said. Pause. "Are those racing stripes?"

"Neural interface," said Robin and Beast Boy together.

"Why does it sound like the Roadrunner?"

"Does it have a name?" asked Starfire brightly.

"No, it does not have a name!" Cyborg roared.

"Meep."

"Oh? On Tamaran we name all of our body parts!" She pointed. "This one is called 'Gnibgnib' and this one is 'Fartosluknuterfenkel,' which means 'the tassel may spin in both directions...' Ummph!"

Raven had covered the other girl's mouth with her hand and started to drag her out of the room. "Uh, Star, remember when we talked about the concept of 'too much information'?"

"Okay, that's it! Show's over! Get out!" Cyborg said exasperatedly. "Jeez, put it on YouTube, why don't you..."

The door slid shut. The Titans dispersed. In the hallway, Beast Boy paused and smiled to himself.

Audio and video package, eh? He snickered. Heh, heh, heh...

TtTtTtTtTt

"CYBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORG!"

Raven stormed into the main room, soaking wet, wrapped in a towel. Black energy crackled around her. Her eyes glowed red.

Cyborg dropped the game controller. Beast Boy dove behind a sofa.

"What I do?" Cyborg asked nervously.

"GET YOUR JUNK OUT OF MY ROOM!"

"What?"

"IT'S FOLLOWING ME AROUND! NOT FUNNY!"

"Meep, meep!"

There was a tip-tap of little feet as the unit in question appeared behind Raven, wagging its cable.

Cyborg stood up. "What? How'd you get out?"

Beast Boy started to laugh. Robin and Starfire entered. "What's going on?"

Raven pointed. "I'm trying to take a shower when that thing..."

Beast Boy laughed harder. "Dude! She said thing... ulp!" A blast of black lightning narrowly missed his head.

"...that thing followed me in and started singing!"

"What? Singing? It doesn't sing..." Cyborg sputtered.

As if on cue, a deep R & B voice filled the room. ""Girl, I don't know, I don't know why..."

Everyone stopped cold, looking at the source.

The unit swayed to the music. "Can't get enough of your love, baby..."

Time passed. Robin asked calmly, "Who is that? Lou Rawls?"

"Actually, it's Barry White," Beast Boy said, then collapsed into laughter again.

This was too much for Robin, who started laughing uncontrollably too.

Starfire was confused. "Please, who is this Barry White? Is that Cyborg's kenorfdenstocker's name?" Beast Boy and Robin laughed even harder.

"Oh, you think this is funny, huh?" Cyborg said, trying to grab the unit. "Tell you what, now I've got a name for it." He cornered the offender and picked it up. "C'mere... Grayson."

Robin stopped laughing. "Hey. That's not funny..."

Beast Boy was in paroxysms. "Dude! Dick... grayson..! Bwah-hahahah!"

"Oh, what are we, in third grade? Like I haven't heard that before!"

"Oh, Robin, on my planet it is a great honor to have a body part named after you! We should throw a party! With cake!"

"QUIET!"

Everyone was quiet.

Raven levitated in the center of the room, wrapped in her towel. Water pooled under her. Power crackled.

"Cyborg..." she said sweetly. Cyborg gulped. "If I ever see that thing in my room again, I'm going to send it permanently to another dimension... to visit Daddy."

The unit "meeped" and curled into a ball.

"And, funny guy..." Raven turned to Beast Boy, who was looking for some place to hide. "You did this?"

Beast Boy swallowed and grinned, ready to dodge.

Raven pointed to her backside. "Kiss my Garfield."

She floated regally out of the room. All was quiet until Starfire piped up: "Now Raven has honored you, Beast Boy! Who wants cake?"

TtTtTtTtTt

That night, Raven was in the middle of a pleasant dream (a really pleasant dream, if you get my drift) when she was awakened by a crash from across her room.

Something had knocked the cover off the air vent. She heard a faint scuttling sound. "What the...?"

"Meep."

"Oh, for the love of..." she groaned. "Dammit, Cyborg..." The unit had crawled up onto her bed and sat on the covers, its interface cable wagging hopefully.

She contemplated the unit for a long minute through narrowed eyes. Well, she thought, it's not like I'm getting back to sleep anytime soon... Her mouth twisted into a smile. Oh, what the hell... "Okay, c'mere you..."

"Meep!"

TtTtTtTtTt

We're under attack, was Robin's first thought as Raven's shout jarred him awake. The whole tower was rumbling as if in an earthquake.

He met his teammates in the hall. "What was that?" Cyborg yelled.

"I don't know! I heard Raven shout 'Zinthos!' then the whole building shook!" Robin arrived at Raven's room. "Raven! Raven! Are you OK?" he cried, pounding on the door.

A bleary voice answered. "Uh, what? Oh... I'm fine."

"What happened?'

"Oh, nothing. I was just..." Long pause. "...meditating."

"Do you need help..?" Robin tried to open the door. Locked.

"No, no! It's nothing... just got a little carried away." There was a faint sound of scurrying from behind the door. "Everything's fine." Pause. "Really fine."

Robin glanced at Cyborg. Cyborg shrugged. "Um, okay. I guess we'll see you at breakfast."

"What? Oh, yeah. Sure. Whatever."

Robin shook his head and turned away. From Raven's room, the soulful sound of Barry White drifted out into the hallway...

TtTtTtTtTt

"What the hell are they talking about?" Robin asked.

The boys stood on the balcony, watching Raven and Starfire as they engaged in an intense conversation on the rocky beach. Raven was gesturing emphatically.

"Who knows? Girl stuff," Beast Boy said, his mouth full of bagel. "Did you she how happy Raven seemed this morning? She, like, almost smiled."

"They must be planning on going to the mall or something," Cyborg said.

On the beach, Raven was holding her hands up a few inches apart. She then moved them further apart, then even further, and cocked an eyebrow at Starfire. Starfire's eyes flew open and she covered her mouth with her fists. She levitated about a foot off the beach as Raven slowly nodded. Starfire giggled.

"Looks like a sale," Robin said. Raven was still gesticulating. "Really big sale," he added.

TtTtTtTtTt

That night, the explosion set off the fire alarms.

Robin collided with Cyborg and Beast Boy in the hall. "Now what?" Cyborg yelled.

"Starfire's room! Come on!" They raced towards Starfire's room, the alarm hooting. Smoke was pouring out from under the door. "Starfire! Are you OK!" Robin pounded on the door. No answer. "Cyborg! Hit the override! And turn off the alarm!"

The alarm warbled down as the door slid open to reveal what was left of Starfire's room. Automatic sprinklers sprayed over the furniture. Starfire's bed had been thrown across the room. Opposite the bed, the wall smoked from a huge scorch mark as if hit by a flame thrower. There was no sign of the Tamaranean princess.

"Starfire! Where are you?" Robin yelled, coughing in the smoke.

A muffled voice sounded from above. "I'm up here."

Robin looked up. Starfire was embedded face first in the ceiling, the edges of her nightgown still smoldering slightly. She tugged her head away from the ceiling. She smiled dreamily. "Hello, friends. How are you?" she said, daintily spitting out pieces of ceiling tile.

"What happened?"

"Oh, I was having a happy memory." She smiled wider. "A really, really, really happy memory."

"Are you okay? Can you get down?"

"In a minute. I have to stop... being so happy..."

The sprinklers shut off. Raven stormed in and began pushing the boys out of the room. "All right. Boys. Out. Now!"

Robin stopped. "But..." Under the furniture debris, he thought he heard a scurrying sound.

"OUT!" Raven pushed him out. As the door slid shut, Robin saw that Raven had grabbed Starfire's foot and was trying to pull the dazed girl off the ceiling. Through the closed door, he heard a loud "whoomp" as the ceiling collapsed.

TtTtTtTtTt

A few days later:

Robin had called a meeting. "I want to talk about all these weird disturbances we've been having at night. Explosions. Earthquakes." Robin paced around the conference table. "Something scurrying in the ductwork, strange sounds, not to mention these fist-sized holes that keep appearing around the girls' rooms and in the shower."

He took a deep breath and scowled. "I've given this a lot of thought, and it can only mean one thing..."

The two girls stared at him with poker faces.

Robin made a fist and punched it into his other hand. "Slade's back!"

Pause. No one said anything.

Raven lifted an eyebrow. Starfire grinned sheepishly and looked around the room.

Raven broke the silence. "Ooooooooo-kay."

Cyborg frowned. "You sure about this, bird-boy?"

"What else could it be?" Robin looked at Raven. "You seem surprised."

"Oh, I can safely say that Slade was about the last thing I was thinking about," Raven said dryly.

"Well, perhaps not the last thing... Ow!" Starfire grabbed her leg where Raven kicked her.

"Anyway," Robin continued, "We're going to have to tighten our defenses. We'll have to take shifts standing guard at night..."

"I'll take the first shift," Raven chimed in quickly.

"And I shall take the second. And perhaps even the third!" Starfire added brightly. Raven coughed behind her hand.

"All right. Cyborg, Beast Boy, let's scout the perimeter." The boys left, leaving the girls sitting quietly by themselves.

After a while, Raven spoke: "And he's a detective?"

TtTtTtTtTt

Later that evening, Cyborg was in his workshop:

"Alllllll right! Interface repaired, systems online, it's time to take you out for a spin, little guy! Hey, where'd you go?"

"Meep, meep..."

"What's wrong? You sound tired. What... your fuel cell's almost drained! How'd that... lemme check your log..."

Cyborg plugged himself into the unit. About a half hour later, he wiped the sweat off the human side of his face. He sat quietly for a moment.

"Well, at least now I know what 'zinthos' means..."

TtTtTtTtTt

"What the hell are they talking about?" Robin asked.

"I dunno. Cyborg just said 'Meeting' and dragged them off to the beach." Beast Boy and Robin watched from the balcony as Cyborg, arms crossed severely, lectured the two girls. "He looks pissed."

Bits and pieces of the argument could barely be heard over the surf. "No respect... personal property... not our fault... can't control... it's so cute..."

"Maybe they swiped his credit card again." Robin saw Starfire clasp her hands together, pleading with Cyborg, while Raven drew something furiously on a pad of paper. Raven showed the paper to Cyborg while Starfire looked over his shoulder. Cyborg stopped talking while he studied the paper, turning it this way and that. After a moment he scratched his head, then added something more to the paper and showed it to the girls, grinning.

Both girls squealed in delight and hugged Cyborg, lifting him about a foot off the ground. "Looks like he's agreed to drive them to the mall."

"I guess. Kinda stupid, though, because they both can, you know, fly," Beast Boy said.

"Yeah. I guess." Robin saw both girls kiss Cyborg, then noticed that one Raven planted on him was not in the least bit sisterly. He shook his head and walked back into the tower.

TtTtTtTtTt

Later, it wasn't earth tremors or explosions that woke Robin up. He listened for a second. "Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl..," seemed to be coming from Raven's room.

He groaned and put his pillow over his head. The strains of "Copacabana" echoed through the tower...

TtTtTtTtTt

Sadly, all good things (Beast Boy: "Dude! You said thing!") must come to an end.

The Titans were out on a mission. Cyborg's workshop stood dark and empty until the monitor screen came to life by itself.

A familiar corpulent face stared out of the screen, looking around cautiously.

There was a blur of static, then a dripping wet Control Freak materialized in the lab.

This was a changed Control Freak, though. Gone was the fanboy swagger and Dorito-fueled mania. After countless humiliating defeats at the hands of teen-aged heroes (being pantsed at lightspeed by Kid Flash was definitely not something he wished to experience again), Control Freak was reconsidering his career choice.

He was commiserating in an online chat room when one of his buddies suggested that, rather than wasting his time laying traps for heroes and getting his ass handed to him, he simply use his technology to hack into some bank's closed-circuit TV system and materialize in the vault after hours, fill up a few suitcases and then hit the Caymans. (This, of course, led to the interminable discussion of why don't super villains simply sell their technology for millions and retire on the royalties instead of knocking over banks and jewelry stores for a few grand, but by that time Control Freak had logged off.)

Control Freak thought about the suggestion, reviewed his options, remembered that the alternative was getting atomic wedgies from someone with super strength and decided he liked the idea.

Problem was, he was going to need to upgrade his gear to pull it off.

Fortunately, he knew exactly where to get state-of-the-art stuff.

Cyborg's lab.

Now, all he had to do was wait for all the Titans to be out, then a quick smash-and-grab. No monologues, no traps, no beatings. Just in-and-out.

So he watched. And waited.

After he was positive the Tower was empty, it took him a few tries to hack into the Titan's network again. After first materializing in the Tower's submarine hangar (fifteen feet over the lagoon, to be exact), he was able to zero in on the workshop. No one around - perfect!

Except... there in shadows. Something moved. And growled.

Control Freak fired up his remote control. Light stabbed into the corner. "Who's there?"

Out of the shadows came a low, guttural, "Meep..."

Control Freak squinted to get a better look. "What the... Are those racing stripes?"

The shadow leaped...

TtTtTtTtTt

The Titans returned to find Cyborg's workshop completely destroyed.

Monitors were smashed, sparks flew from exposed wiring, smoke and scorch marks were everywhere. Clearly a battle royale had been fought.

Starfire gasped. The unit Grayson was in several pieces on the floor.

Next to it, Control Freak was in a fetal position, eyes clamped shut, moaning and rocking back and forth. "Mama... I'm a bad boy... I'm a baaaaaaaaaaaaaad boy..."

"What happened here?" Robin whispered.

"Don't know." Cyborg looked around at his trashed lab, his destroyed unit, then at Control Freak. Control Freak's body was still smoking slightly. "Don't really want to know."

"...mommy..."

Beast Boy picked up a flash drive and gave it to Cyborg. "Here's the security footage. Maybe we can play it back..."

Cyborg quickly crushed the drive in his fingers. "I said, I don't want to know!"

"...the plunger. It took the whole plunger..!"

Cyborg dropped the remains of the flash drive and ground it with his foot. Several times.

Starfire looked at Grayson sadly. Raven poked at Control Freak with her toe. "Looks like Control Freak ended with both a bang and a whimper." She smiled slightly. "Hey, I made a funny."

After Robin and Beast Boy dragged the babbling Control Freak away ("The eye! Beware the Three-Lobed Eye!"), Cyborg and the girls eyed their friend's remains on the floor.

"Poor Grayson," Starfire said, kneeling down. For a moment, no one said anything.

Then, there was a tentative, "...meep..."

A light flickered. Something whirred briefly.

Cyborg picked the piece up. "You know, I could rebuild him. Make him better..."

"Stronger?" Starfire asked.

"Faster," Raven said seriously.

The three looked at each other and smiled. Raven closed the workshop door.

From inside, there was the sound of mechanical tools being fired up. Clanking. Air tools. The rumble of a riveter. Then, ever so faintly, one could hear:

"Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl..."


End file.
